i am still intoxicated by you

fairy tale about a gold fish
ph: Laura Makabresku

I am writing this to you in case I get over it. I don't trust myself to hold on properly through all my insecurity.

I don't know if I have been in love before. It was never mutual whatever it was, it hurt me badly and I was only fifteen. A few years on and I'm almost certain I am falling in love with you. It's ridiculous, I don't know you much at all, I don't know what it feels like to hold you or kiss you, but I want to. More than anything else in the world. I go to sleep thinking about you, I wake up thinking about you. I have to stop myself filling all the spaces in between with thoughts of you too, because it cripples me that you probably don't feel anything even nearly the same for me.

Even though this is one of the most confidence shattering experiences of my life so far, I am so glad I met you. It doesn't matter that I can't believe what you tell me, it doesn't matter that I ruin it all by getting jealous of the other prettier, less complicated girls in your life, you have still made me the happiest I can ever remember being, even if it was only for a few hours at a time. You amaze me, truly. You are so clever, strong and insightful, regardless of how you feel about yourself. I know you're insecure, but I think you are beautiful. You are everything you should be, I wish you could believe me, like you want me to believe you.

I know I am clinging. Clinging to something other people, even you, would probably perceive as nothing. I know its because I am so desperate for someone to fix me, to want to fix me. I have probably built this all up so far I can barely see what's actually happening anymore. Maybe I'm simply infatuated by the idea of you; what you could mean to me. Regardless, this is still how I feel, I am still intoxicated by you.

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