maybe always

LE LOVE BLOG PHOTO GIRL LOOKING OUT WINDOW LOVE PIC IMAGE LETTING GO DECISION FREE Untitled by ephebic bears, on Flickr
Photo via: ephebic bears

Zuzu,

At what point do you tell yourself it is time to give up on the person you love? The answer should be simple…Never! You never give up on the love of your life. No matter what they do or what you do, the connection between true soul mates is infinite.

I used to believe that. I used to be a believer in us. I used to believe in you, but after seven years, I have decided that it is time. Enough now, not because you hurt me, even though you did. Enough now, not because I hurt you, even though I know I did. No, that would be too simple.

It is time because after all these years there exists a space that we are both trying to fill from memories of people that no longer exist. I know you were in love with me once, and I hope that you know I was crazy for the guy who chased me across our living room couches, laughing at the unusual path I took into your arms. I can still remember the way your eyes glassed over and danced when you looked at me. At night, the way your chest rose and fell, when I was pressed against you, counting the breathes until I fell asleep. How could I ever forget that our son would have had your sweet face, and my curly hair. We even named this would-have-been masterpiece, Gabe.

I miss that us. I miss that you, Still. Maybe always.

It has taken me a long time to accept this, but those people are never coming back, and that it okay, finally. I had that part of you and you had that part of me. No one who comes after can say that. They will have this different version of us. This version is not better or worse, just different.

You may never read this, but if you do, then you’ll understand why we have to move on. The version of me now wants to laugh and love again. I just cannot do it when you’re in my life as a constant reminder of who I was. I want to move forward now, and I want to do it without you. I like who I am, hell, I love who I am. This new me, is a secret, even from you.

You said that “I am your only friend”, but I do not want to be your friend anymore. I do not want that pressure and responsibility. The truth is, I do not like the version you’ve become. Just because we know each other in and out doesn’t mean we should continue to be friends.

When you call me after today, I am going to be busy. I will not answer your calls or texts. I have made a decision. Even though, you do not know it yet, I will faze you out of my life so that I can be free of you and free of that girl who I just cant be anymore.

Forgive me.

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