holy shit

Photo via: hopalila

Dearest Le Love,

I've been your silent reader for the past 2 years and some of the stories you posted touched my heart so poignantly, they just inspire me to tell you my own.

I read from a post in your blog "Have you ever just looked at someone and thought, holy shit I really love you"?

When I read that, it was like a vessel that took me back in time; back to November 2009 to be precise. It was the beginning of winter and I sat there talking with my new best friend from Canada. He just got a haircut; finally, after that hideous sheep-dog hair, he cut it short. I knew he's a lovely man, but my, he's a truly handsome and his eyes were sparkling (they were hidden beneath that 70s hair).

I forgot what we're talking about, but he was laughing. At that time, it hit me; holy shit. I am in love with this guy. The guy that I befriended with just 3 months ago. The awkward guy who wore short pants, plaid shirt and socks+runners combo. Who took my interest for having such a cool name for such a dorky guy like him. Who, weirdly, bond with me because I scold his fashion choices. And who had a thing for Taiwanese girl named Miyabi (and kept talking about her for months).

And I just kissed him. On the lips. Without saying anything. The poor guy has never been kissed. I kissed the guy not because he just cut his hair and now looks like Canadian version of Andrew Garfield, no. I kissed him because I'm falling in love with him. With a guy that I would probably will never see again after this exchange program ends. With the potential of ruining our friendship. With the potential of getting rejected.

Those things popped inside my head combine with the feeling of excitement, warmth and happiness resulted in tears streamed down my face while our lips intertwined together. He was confused, I can sense, but he didn't stop. He didn't reject me. And then I pulled my face from his, wipe the embarrassing tears off my face and said "Please forget this and tell Miyabi how you feel about her."

Next days and months, we ended up as friends with benefits with him knowing that I'm falling for him hard. Fast forward to August 2010, we had to go back to our countries. Indonesia for me, back to Saskatchewan for him. That's 8900.4 miles apart and almost 13 hours of time difference. I didn't know what will happen to me and him after Japan, but it was so painful to know that I might never see him again.

So we back to our lives. Finish university. Got a job. Got older. All while talking every single day about almost every single thing. Fast forward to October 2012, we met again for the first time after 2 years. It was beyond magical and I just wanted to live in that moment forever. I said I love you, he answered thank you. It was ok, because I love him anyway.

Fast forward to today, September 2013, I haven't seen him again since rendezvous in 2012. But last month he said I love you. After 4 years of being in "I don't know what the hell is this" kind of relationship. After years of LDR. Despite the brutal distance. It was nice to hear that word. I don't don't know what will happen to us. We are still young (I'm in my mid 20s and he's in early 30s) and have our own careers to focus on, but at least now we know that we love each other. The love which has been tested by distance and time. That's a big deal. That's the kind of thing that we should hold on to. Maybe this is our greatest, come-once-in-a-lifetime love? I don't know. I'd like it to be that way, but for now, I love him and he loves me.

I had that "holy shit I love you, Travis" almost 4 years ago, and I still feel that way today.


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