love makes you blind

Photo via: Lisa Smit

This is me trying to find an ending to a story that has been led on for way too long. I met him when I was only 15 years old, he, at the time, was 19 which is my current age. We hit it off quite well on my opinion, even though we didn’t communicate much during that day but there was something about him that instantly got my attention. But as it turned out, he didn’t think much of me and found our age difference too big at the time.

Time passed on, first year didn’t change much, for me he was just someone who I knew but wasn’t eager to talk to every single day. But we did talk quite much, more and more with every day. I think it was somewhere around second year after we had met, when I got to know him better and found out his good and bad sides. Around third year of our communication I realized that I was even starting to like the sides of him that I had earlier consider as really annoying and bad ones. Now I can say that I fell in love. Love makes you blind, doesn’t it? Loving someone means putting them first. We weren’t a couple and we had a 200km distance between us, but he was always the one most important person for me. But he was not a nice guy, with me he was quite the perfect example of a dick actually. He would say things that made me melt and then ignore the shit out of me. He would say that he really cares about me and then leave me all alone in a city not familiar for me. He would say that he wouldn’t like to see me in a relationship with another and then not be in one with me either. He would say one thing and then act completely different and vise versa.

I have always buried everything bad inside me. When something bothers me, I do let others know about it, but as long as it’s not something from deep inside. I keep everything important with myself, because I’ve gone through a lot with different relationships with different people and I don’t want others to have the privilege of using my feelings and my previous shitty life against me. But I started to let him in, I told him some things that I had never told anybody else, I let my guards down.

He broke me once again, just like all my girl-friends told me he would. This time was different though, this time we were starting a relationship, really going for it. This time I was falling for him, he wasn’t just someone really important, he was turning into someone I loved. This time, he was the one pushing me into it, he was the one to start every move. From the way he would act and talk, I thought that it really might work out. I even got fond of his family and his dog, how silly is that?

Then he told me that it’s not going to work out, even though he really tried. I wanted to punch him so bad. Not because he didn’t have feelings for me, the way that I did with him, since there’s no way to make someone feel that certain feeling, but because he led me on for so long, because he made me let my guard down, he made me forgive him and made me forget. Just to break me all over again, into millions of little pieces.

I’ve always considered myself a tough girl, I’m not the kind that cries turning sad movies, I’m really not the crying type at all. But that night I cried. The second after finishing that talk with him, I went straight up to my room and collapsed onto my bed. I cried for 4 or 5 hours straight, I felt like I had been punched into my stomach, like there was this big hole right inside of me with wind howling through. I was messed up and I still can not believe the way I was. That is not me, what had happened?

With every word written down here tonight, I get more and more sad and frustrated. He had no respect whatsoever for me and I still let him push me around. But, at the same time, I realize even more what an inconsiderate douche bag he really is. He never cared about me, but only wanted someone to be there for him at his terms and conditions, someone who wouldn’t leave him when he was feeling down, someone who liked him even at his worst. Do you see how much I’ve used the word "he" and how little of the world "me"? A man with no empathy. I deserve better, I deserve respect and someone who would actually stand up for his words and really honestly care about me.

I appreciate every little detail of my life and that is one relationship that has grown me so strong. I got back up and can seriously say now that I’m over it. I’m not quite sure yet what I have learned from all of it but I’m sure I’ll get there.

He still thinks that I cut him out of my life because of the fact that he became all or nothing for me, but I promised one thing to myself- if this gets published, I’ll send it to him, just so he could get a little reality-check and maybe try to become a better person towards others.

Don’t let others dictate your life!

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