everything but the title

Photo via: Matthew Tammaro

You do these things. These endearing, attentive and personal things, they look like natural instinctive movements. Like play with my hair, run it through your fingers and stroke it down the side of my face. You trace my lips with your fingertips and caress my cheekbones with the back of your hand. You give me fairy light tickles across my stomach and along my inner thigh. You snuggle in to me, day and night pulling me tight into your chest as your breath a rugged, possessive ‘mine’, almost growling it under your breath.

Here’s the catch, I’m not yours; you won’t let me be. You told me you don’t believe in dating in your 20’s. I just think you’re a commitment-phobe. You’ve given me so many reasons why. Tell me you don’t know if you like me as a friend or more. Doing all of this whilst you cuddle me at night, writhe against me in early morning bliss, and understand me better than anyone ever has. This ruins my mind, endlessly tossing and turning I cannot fathom any of it.

The only truth I can find in your words is when we kiss. You’ll kiss my neck and my collarbones, the top of my shoulder when you hug up to me. But when we kiss on the lips you hesitate, it seems forced or uncomfortable. I hold back, when I want to ravish you with passionate kisses that leave us both gasping for air. The biggest problem is that I just need to know… I need to know if you’re playing me. If you’re really that unsure or if you’re just scared. But I can never be sure what it is that you’re hiding. Your friends tell me you’re just being dumb, that you’re passing over me because you can’t bring yourself to leave your freedom behind. The thing is… should I really chose someone who has to think twice about choosing me? I know the answer to that. I’ve been told a hundred times. But losing you is something I don’t think I can handle; letting you touch another girl is a thought I cannot comprehend. I’m in this too deep and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There’s a time line. I’ve known you for around 25 months. I’ve fancied you for about 18 of those. 15 months ago I realized it was more than just a crush. It’s been about 11 months since we first slept together whilst traveling Asia, just the two of us. About 10 since I started falling… and the last 5 months we have been ‘seeing’ each other, and I have been in turmoil.

I’m at the end of my tether; I realized that I gave you my everything. You get my head and my heart; you’ve got my soul and my spirit; everything from the tips of my toes to the end of my unruly hair. I don’t think you’ve realized this yet but you’ve got it all. But I can’t tell you to your face, because I’m far too scared of losing you. I’m weak and I give in to you. Sleep in your bed when I should walk away, willingly let you touch me with tenderness and care, let those touches become more passionate and needy. We workout together, we study together, we cook, clean and shop together. Everything that we are and do, all of your friends and people around see it. I am your girlfriend, with everything but the title. I am with you, with all the attachments and actions but without the security. And I don’t know which is worse, being the girl at home crying, or the one who never stops trying.

With my everything and a lifetimes worth of confusion.

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