i want to know what this all means

Photo via: Sandra Beijer

I have always been attracted to you. I remember the first time you held my hand, and I remember the first time we hooked up, in the back of a VW Beetle. It was 2006. And now, it is 2014. And you have just told me that you remember it too. You have been thinking about it. Thinking about me.

In 2010 my boyfriend at school broke up with me, and when I came home for the summer, there you were. We had been playing cat and mouse for years, and finally, you were single, and so was I. At first, I’d get drunk at your house and fall asleep in your bed after parties. And then, I wanted to fall asleep in your bed. It took all summer. I don’t know if you were debating, uninterested, or shy. But that last night... that very last night before my senior year of college, you finally kissed me. And we had sex. It was wonderful, and it was a secret. Afterwards, we laid in bed, tangled, joking around about the sexual tension finally being relieved after almost 7 years. And we could breathe.

As I would come home on breaks and random weekends, we’d always end up in your bed. After getting together at your parents house for thanksgiving, we snuck out the door, drunk, and had to walk to my house, in the pouring rain, to sleep. It was one of the most fun and hollywood-standard nights. Arm in arm, we walked to my house, laughing, and falling, and soaked from head to toe. We grabbed towels and climbed into bed, and just snuggled. We slept, spooning, all night. And then I drove you to your parents, where you drove home from there.

In the new winter of 2012, the sex started again, along with the famous high school excuse, “let’s watch a movie”, which had never happened before. We pretended it wasn’t going to happen. And it always did. We crawled into your bed one night, had the most intense sex we had ever had, and then, for the first time, you got weird. The next thing I knew, you proposed to your old high school girlfriend days later on your birthday, and that was when I felt what drowning must feel like. I had never had any intention of dating you. Though, I am, and always have been ridiculously attracted to all of you.

And here we are now, in 2014. She broke off your engagement, not so long after you were engaged. We’ve taken a long amount of time and distance, and we’re back. Hanging out with you for the first time in years alone, coming to the end of 2013, was all too familiar. I wanted to feel you. I wanted you to wrap your arm around the small of my back and make the familiar kind of love we had always made. But, I stayed on a separate couch, drinking a separate beer. We didn’t last too long this time. The tension built quickly. The longer hugs, tighter stares, and the brushing of our hands was enough to make me feel you in my core.

New Years came, and you had mentioned that I could “crash if I needed to”. I packed a toothbrush, extra undies, and my Marc Jacobs honey perfume. Through the night, I felt increasingly hazy. There weren’t enough shots of whiskey to contribute to the haze; it was thought of you and I. Everyone trailed out, we crawled into bed, and suddenly, I felt like nothing was going to happen. My mind went blank, I shoved my feet under yours to keep warm, and I breathed. You told me that night you were thinking about the first time we hooked up, and had been thinking about how, after all of these years, we still have an endless amount of tension that keeps building up, no matter what we do, or don’t do. I don’t know why that could be.

Next thing I knew, you kissed me. Long and hard. It was by far the best kiss. It felt like the first. We made out for what felt like hours. It was crazy, it was tension releasing, and it was awakening. You pulled me up with you, so we were upright, sitting, legs tangled, arms wrapped, and you kissed my neck. In my spot… I shivered. I kissed your neck, down to your shoulders, and it felt like time stopped. I could hear our heartbeats, and I could feel mine beating against yours. You laid me back down, and we went forward and did what was all too familiar, and all too intense. We slept all morning, spooning, my heart still beating fast. You woke me up, kissing my spot, re-awakening what had fallen dormant for the night, and we did it again. We snuggled, you brought me coffee, watched a movie, and here we are.

I want to know what this all means. Is that year after year, tension building and tension relieving feeling… what it’s all about? Is that the in-and-out-of-the-moment thing that everyone longs for? You feel this, and I feel this. It is still a secret. Our secret. Now where do we go from here?

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