we were different

Photo via: Margaret Durow

We had everything that anyone has ever wanted. We shared longing looks, stole quick kisses, endured hardship, hugged it out, and through everything, we still fell apart. But let me start at the beginning.

I fought so hard for you. In my mind I knew you were it; the one I was supposed to experience everything with for the first time. You knew how to make me smile, how to make me cry, and how to pick me up at the end of the day when I couldn’t do it myself. You were always that beacon of hope for me. Something to strive for, something I wanted to earn for myself. I wanted to earn your love. But she was in the way. The way that she glared at me made my stomach uneasy. She was threatened by the way you looked at me and the way I looked back. She didn’t know how to stop us from talking because it came so naturally to both of us. You were always there in the back of my mind, and I was always at the back of yours.

She broke your heart but I was all too ready to be there to mend it and that was our first mistake. I wanted to earn your love but I didn’t want to get it by default. You weren’t ready but you fell so hard and so quickly for me as I did for you. That first kiss was everything you hear people say when you’ve found the one you love. It could’ve lasted seconds or hours and I still wouldn’t have known the difference. It was a kiss that made me weak in the knees with happiness, excitement, and anticipation for what it all meant. Yet, in that moment, nothing else mattered. It was like the whole world fell to the wayside as our lips met and your arms took me in. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I could recite every event of that day back in great detail because it was the day that he became mine.

We called and texted and fell into the pattern of each other. Hearing his voice on the phone was what I looked forward to every day. Sitting through class was unbearable knowing that I could be somewhere else intertwined with him, the world so distant. It was like he knew me better than I knew myself.

I fit perfectly in the crook of his neck and when we lay still, our bodies somehow fit together like puzzle pieces. I never wanted to let him go.

As I told him when I left on a trip “I love you to reeses pieces.” And I really did. I loved him with every ounce in my body, with every muscle, every tendon, every fiber of my heart was attached to him in every way possible. He was all the tenderness that my life desired and the support system that I often needed.

But then we changed. Distance separated us by more than just land. I grew up. I made goals. I found out that I had a passion for life and for the unknown and he feared change. How do two people remain so steady when the ground beneath them is falling out? That’s what being together felt like. The ground just gave out beneath my feet. I felt trapped, unable to breathe; like this weight was always hanging over my head. I thought we could get through anything, I thought our love would get us through any hurdle that we encountered.

But I knew he couldn’t be mine when he came to visit me. Suddenly the thought of him in my world didn’t make sense anymore. He was coming to this place that I had built, this life that I had created without him. He didn’t fit and I didn’t want him to. I loved living life on my own and that’s when I knew that I had to do just that. Live life on my own. I tried to make it work, but we were different. He lacked the passion and determination that I was hungry for. The goals that I had made he deemed impossible for himself.

I realized that life is too short to hold onto something that isn’t making you happy anymore. He was everything and more to me and he helped me grow into the person I am today. He showed me that someone could love you wholeheartedly and unabashedly. He also showed me the love that I am capable of; the tenderness and empathy that I can have. He opened my heart, which had been closed for years. I didn’t believe that anyone existed that could love me the way that he did. And for that, I am so beyond grateful. I never wanted to hurt him but I did just that. And to him I am eternally sorry.

One day I want to be moved by love again. To feel my knees go weak beneath me but fall into the arms of a man who knows how to love me wholeheartedly just as he did. Who will look at all of my flaws and at the end of the day still kiss me on the forehead and hold me close. I want someone who doesn’t look at me for the things I don’t have, but cherishes all the things that I do have. A person who not only sees me for who I truly am, but pushes me to be the person that deep down I know I can be.

-Love Always

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