you will soon be a distant memory

Photo via: Zweifellos mondbetont


I've been trying to find the words all week for my letter to a boy who sort-of cracked my heart. I read your blog always and the words there have often given me comfort and hope. I'd like to share my story with you....



It’s been a week now. This time last week I was curled up and crying because you had called me 4 hours ago or so to check up on me. Check and see how I was doing after the chat we had.

When you called me in the morning and said could you come over to have a chat I breathed in sharp and deep, I don’t think you noticed, because I knew then. The talk I knew would happen one day was coming.

And it’s so stupid that I’ve been feeling so sad, because we knew we weren’t going to be together. We discussed it remember? We had that kind-of fight at that stupid Christmas party which I wish I’d never invited you to because it changed things and broke the thing that was going on between us. It raised all sorts of dark thoughts in my mind that I’d put into a box since the last boy that hurt me left. But then we saw each other for 4 days straight before I left for the airport, it’s almost like we knew that once I came back it would be different.

I hate that I miss you. I hate that things happen and I want to tell you. I hate that you cried because I was so sure I was going to hate you once we’d had that chat but then I realised that I can’t and I won’t hate you. I wanted to reach out and take away your pain but I was so hurt by it all.

There are stupid little things that remind me of you, like when I was sorting out food to be delivered from Asda and your juice, that one with the kiwi, was there saved onto my favourites. I miss having to wash so many towels. I miss waking up to find my sheets in a tangle. I can’t even bring myself to watch Déjà vu, that stupid movie I begged for us to watch and you refused.

Why her? Of all the girls. I don’t even know if you fixed things with her by cutting ties with me. I meant it though when I said I hope you are happy and that you fix it. Even though it killed me when I saw her 3 days ago.

I hate that she knew who I was when I was walking around in the gym without a clue, not knowing that she knew me. I want to ask you how much you told her about me? Did you tell her about the depression as a way of making our friendship an essential? I really hope you didn’t tell her but I can’t help but think you did. You lied about talking to her so what difference would another lie make?

Do you think about me? Or am I just another girl to you? I wanted to ask you last week what I even meant to you but I’d already cried so I didn’t want to lose more dignity.

I’m so angry I let you in last Friday night and let you kiss me, and kissed you back. Especially when I found out that she dumped you hours earlier. I felt like such a back up plan when I found out. And I’m so sick of being the option.

I deserve someone who gives a shit.

So now what? Well I guess now I pick myself up and take the pieces of my heart that you chipped away, you didn’t break it; just cracked it. I’ll take those pieces and carefully put them back into place.

I wonder if I’ll ever find the courage to send you these words; I hope I do.

So now the hard part; good-bye. Even though I miss you still. But you will soon be a distant memory. I wish you all the best in the world, I truly do. I hope that you will find a woman who can give you all that I could not, and equally I hope I will find the man who makes me shine with the happiness I deserve. Someone to fill in the gaps you could not and someone to soothe my weary heart.


A x

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