let's just pretend

Photo via: Mafalda Silva

My beloved A,

I have probably written you a thousand notes, over a hundred letter, countless messages... but not one of this kind.

Let's go back in time, 5 years ago when I was out of my mind and blindly in love with you, all your imperfections, all the silly things you've said and done. I still am so in love with you but I always knew that I loved you way more than I can handle.

I remember waking up to your morning messages telling me you love me, then you being the first thing I see in the morning, you being the last thing I see before falling asleep. I remember you holding on to me and stopping me every few steps as we got closer to my house so you'd kiss me, over and over and over again. I remember everything you've said, the good, the bad, and the hurtful... I love it all, our endless memories are the only thing that keep me hanging on at the moment... but not for long.

It feels like a lifetime we've been together, and I cant imagine my life without you, but recently, we've been growing so distant from each other. And it's not because we barely have any time left to meet, it's not because you're too busy to call me back, it's mostly because you're so out of reach... I feel like I cant recognize you, or myself anymore.. we're so different now, you say you love me so much, I know you do but I love you way more than you love me.

The fact that you gave up trying kills me, the fact that you said you know you take me for granted yet you continue on doing it leaves me so out of breath, you saying you're sorry you "forget" to call me back sometimes.... well... I can't even begin to describe what that does to my poor little heart that can only function out of love for you. You used to be the one reason I loved waking up, now I can hardly get out of bed, we used to talk every second of every day, now I consider myself lucky if I get a goodnight message... I don't know where this hole came from, all I know is that it's sucking me in it and you're too lost in your own world that you can't even lend a hand to help me out.

But it really drills a hole in my heart to know that you're not willing to fight the same battle for me, especially when you promise you would and end up not doing anything at all. Disappointments, something I've grown up with and seem to grow old with me. Day after day I give myself hope and tell myself that one day I won't be disappointed, not in you, that it will all pay off, that day never seems to come. I'm convinced now that it won’t.

I haven't spent any time with you since Valentine's day, the day we spent hours arguing, screaming, crying, hugging and kissing each other because you are too blind to see how far you've pushed me away... It's safe to say that it's been a month now that I wake up in tears, and cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much how insignificant I've become to you. I wish you would tell me you fell out of love for me, I wish you would tell me you've found someone new, I wish you would tell me this just isn't working out anymore.. say anything other than telling me that it's all in my head.

I'm not happy, I highly doubt you are but you'll never be the first to admit it... so here I am asking you, please let me go...

It feels like I've been swimming for so long, my skin is falling off and that’s how painful it is… being exhausted to an extend that I can’t help myself anymore, all I can do is watch myself dissolve into the water until I completely vanish, just like I did in your eyes. I cant fight on my own anymore, 3 years I've been trying to work things out on my own, 3 years I've been telling myself to keep my mouth shut and just accept how you're growing, how you're changing, how you're slowly not seeing me anymore... but I can't do this.. I cant anymore, it literally is killing me, I can't sleep, eat, work, study, I can hardly smile back at you, I can barely say anything to you when you finally decide to call me back days later... This isn't me, this person you've turned me into, is nothing like me.

So let's just stop here... let's just pretend that we don't love each other, that we wont miss each other, that we're better off... and maybe, maybe you'll find someone who can have your attention constantly, that you'd do anything just to be with... I'd be utterly happy for you...

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