love doesn't change, we do...

Photo via: Mafalda Silva

And my heart is shattering like buildings and roads after an earthquake. Oh the tragedies every memory I have has to face at the moment, where do I begin?

I wish I could have mastered the art of slowing down time, I would have made this last a life time, but it doesn't seem like I could. My world, the one I took years, 5 to be exact, trying to construct every detail in it around that one dream, around that simple image in my head of waking up to his soft lips against mine, to his smell, to his noise as he goes on doing his thing so early in the morning when all I want to do is lie in bed... all of it is decaying right before my eyes.

Blind, he might be to all of this, but maybe he never really had the same dream. So many tiny things that can slide unnoticed, became magnified that I can see nothing else. Blinded, I've become by all this pain, all these questions and confusions of where I am and where I'm heading or if I'm able to move at all.

To be honest, I have never seen it coming, so when it finally hit me, I could hear the irony laughing so loud in my head, I could hear all the it echoing in my ears, "I told you so, we've told you so, you weren't listening, you refused to tune in.. look at you now, pathetic... pathetic".

Pathetic, to stand in this alone, to walk through it alone. And I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things and break down, break out of this cage I've imprisoned my soul in. Yet, there's no point in any of this, no reason behind it, no lessons to learn.

To be filled with so many emotions all at once, all at the same exact instant in time, I feel paralyzed and unable to control or hold onto any of them, as if my own mind has decided to launch a war against my heart, not to kill it but to deeply hurt it, brutally deform it, to mortify it...

But isn't it funny? How I thought I could manage, how I thought I could fight, how I thought I was so much bigger than anything that would threaten this love, and yet it's never hit me until now that the only thing threatening this love is his empathy, his indifference, his irresponsibility, or better yet his decision to remain oblivious to any of this, to all of this.

Love doesn't change, we do, we did, him and I. I've grown more independent, more focused, more and more in love. He grew apart, more distant, more occupied with his to-do lists, with his body, with his studies, his own world, leaving me outside watching through a glass window but still try to stay convinced it's all for us.

I thought my love for him could wreck mountains, could break skies and change the way we both perceive the world, but only if his love for me was as strong... and it isn't. Not anymore.

I remember something he told me once, people fall out of love for each other when they can no longer adapt to how they change, if one person adapts and the other is having a hard time, love wont be enough. Love isn't enough.

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